Saturday, December 1, 2012

THERE IS A PHOTO UPLOAD LIMIT WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Photo collection

My week has been busy and wonderful and I'm excited for things to come. Here are some iPhone photos.

























Wednesday, October 31, 2012

setting

I am sad and I bet you it is 100% because I didn't run today. And I ate poorly.

I started working out and ~trying~ to eat healthy again. Today was the first time I have not weighed myself in whoknowshowlong. I'm trying to not get discouraged and to instead weigh myself once a week or so. After today though I don't know if that is going to happen. It doesn't motivate me enough.

So I called off work for this Friday because I thought my friends were having a halloween party which may or may not be happening now. That, coupled with all of this other shit that is on my mind has my energy weighed down. All of these thoughts, all of this shit that I had either forgotten about or buried or whatever just brought back up with one selfish action. And of course I am the type of person that when one thing is wrong, every single thing is wrong. I think about how I never see my amazing friends, how much my job sucks balls, how I'm way too affected by emotions and that the way customers treat me at work is so unhealthy to my energy, how I'm twenty-two and let guys treat me like shit, have health problems, never meet anyone anymore and when I do, work schedules make it impossible for me to try to become anything more than facebook friends.

And then there is the pity party that I throw myself every day. Bust out the gift wrap and balloons, this is a one-way ticket to pity party! I can't stop comparing myself to my friends and wondering, asking myself, why am I such a weak, sad, pathetic, woman. I'm a hypocrite and a disgrace to myself. And I call myself a feminist.

I would throw in that I live at home but with the lack of social interaction I am receiving outside of work, I would say that seeing my parents everyday is helping keep me sane.

My parents, tea, records, and candles. And my camera. I have been using it more often.


































I took my camera down to Darbydale with me and woke up hungover to take photos out in the cornfield. It had rained all night but the sun came out in the morning and it was just perfect. It made me so happy. I also photographed some at my favorite spot in the park near my house. It was one of the final warm days and I got there right as the sun was setting, which is why they are in black and white, because the colors were not so good.

So holiday drinks come out at my work tomorrow. Everyone keeps telling me that holidays are so busy and they suck and are so stressful and that I'll hate it and I just keeping thinking oh great thanks guys. Like I don't dread work enough.

This pity party was brought to you by passion tea, candles and Jonsi. Enjoy some photos from my instagram (@misspretoria).







Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Leaves and Things




































So I took some self portraits yesterday after finding out some very very very good news so here are quite a few of them.

I've been through a lot of ups and downs in the last few weeks and I think I am still processing it or maybe I'm not letting myself process it, I don't know. It's never a good feeling when you are disappointed in yourself, you know. Sometimes its just easier to tell yourself that life is meaningless and nothing really matters right now. Besides, I'm young. Right? ...

I got the new iphone, its nice to be a part of this century.

Lets talk about diet and exercise. I was on this anti-anxiety medication that made me so lethargic and sick all the time, it helped me drop a few more pounds but I stopped taking them after three weeks because I was tired of having absolutely no energy. These are the second type that my doctor has prescribed for me and I talk with my friends about it and they're like, none of my anti-depressents have ever made me feel that way. So I'm like .. fuck. Nothing is working and it's annoying. And I understand there will be side affects but I just don't like feeling like a zombie.

SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES. The Walking Dead premiered this week and I had the evening off so I enjoyed ahh the most delightful evening at Mad Mex with lady friends and then we went to see the premier at the Gateway. It's so nice seeing it there because it makes it not just a really great show but an experience. Everyone is laughing with you and clapping and yelling and it's so much fun.

And now I must get ready to sell my soul to Howard Schultz.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Post



Lately I have just been working a lot and socializing when I get the chance (surprise). I saw Celeste and Jesse Forever but I didn't think it was very good. Of course it struck a cord with me in the sense that I have been there and done that and it seems my life is full of those on again off again/you want what you cant have scenarios, but still.

It's Friday night and I'm staying in because I have not had a good night though I'm sure going out would have been a better choice than to stay in and wallow in self-loathing and depression but we choose our own battles.

I need a hair cut. I want to go short and blonde. But I certainly don't need another reason to be sad, and I am awfully attached to my hair.

Tomorrow will be better!

Monday, September 3, 2012



I've been working so much lately! But actually I haven't I've just worked 17 out of the last 24 hours, so it seems like it's all I've been doing. I went out to a show last Thursday and saw a bunch of friends I hadn't seen in a while which was really delightful. I met new people and we went to another bar and talked and stayed till closing and I felt confident but a different type of confident and it was nice.

I have been eating healthy (except for today) and working out (except for today and yesterday..). So of course right now I feel awful but I am hoping I will get back on track tomorrow. With work and my lack of sleep I have been making excuses, but I have the next two days off so I will kick my butt into gear! I'm annoyed with my relationship with food right now, I hate myself after every single thing I eat. Even if it's healthy. I've somehow come to associate the feeling of being full with self-loathing.

Well in other news...Yeah thats about it. I'm having a problem with shopping .. I've spent some money in the last month haha. And guess what I plan on doing tomorrow on my day off.

So tomorrows checklist! 

-Healthy breakfast : 9am
-Work out : 945am
-Shower : 1025am
-Easton : 1130am
-Ladies Cooking Lesson : 3pm
-Feel good about myself : all day!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Green Green










I wrote out this whole paragraph about how my last few days have been but I realized that my life is boring, so I will spare you. Enjoy these overexposed self portraits instead.



Mum - Green Grass of Tunnel

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

.




A lot has happened in the last week or so and I don't really know where to begin.

I've been stressed and as a result I have had some of the worst anxiety in years this last week. I woke up a few nights ago to my heart racing and the thought that I was dying. It was not pleasant. It was like a panic attack but 100 times worse because I know what a panic attack is but I had no idea what was going on with my body. I think I was fooling myself into thinking that I was okay and my life was okay and I was just ignoring this huge change that was happening in my life and my feelings because of it. Now I've accepted that things are going to be hard for the next few weeks and sometimes shit happens but there are just all of these thoughts in my head and I don't know what to do with myself. It's just so incredibly hard. And I don't want to start crying again so I'm going to stop.

I got a job. Thats cool. I went to CD102.5 summerfest and saw the Lumineers, Metric, and Forest and the Evergreens. I went vinyl shopping (and bought Thriller) and saw some really great bands at Oldfields. I watched a lot of movies.  Had my first day of work. Went shopping. Rode my bike a bit...went to my old campus, worked out and then put clear glaze on some of my pottery.

Pretty much right now I am just trying to find any and every reason to keep myself from thinking too much and being sad. Okay. It's raining outside now. I'm going to go do something else with my time now.